PLEASE SPAM ME! Let's face it -- spam is the anti-Christ. Not the imitation ham, but the junk e-mail that floods our boxes every day. I was never really bothered very much by spam until I checked my Juno mail for the first time in a couple of months -- 130 new messages, EVERY SINGLE ONE WAS SPAM. So, through Juno and simply having my name "out there" on the Internet, I have gotten some downright ridiculous spam. I can't believe that anyone would fall for some of this crap, let alone write it! Below are links to actual text messages I received, unaltered other than for formatting. Since all the information is in tact, let me say right now: I WOULD SERIOUSLY ADVISE AGAINST REPLYING TO ANY OF THESE MESSAGES IF YOU WANT TO AVOID BEING RIPPED OFF. If you have any really stupid spam to send along, hit me off and make sure the subject line says something like "Spam forward for your web page". ADDED FEB. 2, 1999: Well, I have a load of new spam I put online tonight. I think we've all gotten the worthless "your site" spams offering search engine submission for $39.95, but some of these that have been passed along to me are almost beyond belief. A personal message to each person behind these spams: screw you and your families. ADDED FEB. 26, 1999: A few more spam mails have been added. ADDED MAR. 25, 1999: Some visitor contributions have been added. ADDED APR. 4, 1999: A few more for your viewing pleasure. At this point, the amount of spam I get has convinced me to give encouragement to any vigilante spam groups to "do their thing" using the header info in these messages. ADDED MAY 3, 1999: Even more spam, plus a link to the wonderful MMF Hall of Humiliation. And get this -- this page is helping in the legal battle against a spammer! More details to follow... ADDED MAY 5, 1999: The visitor-contributed spam continues. ADDED MAY 20, 1999: Couple more beauties added. ADDED OCTOBER 8, 2000: Sorry for the lack of updates in the last, oh, year-and-a-half. :) Just added a statement in response to one of my spam posts, #49 (scroll on down to "Interviewing you on our TV show for CNBC!!"). ADDED OCTOBER 11, 2000: Added a bunch of new spam and even a new link! disclaimer: commentary on the messages contained herein is strictly opinion and should not be taken as fact -- businesses in these letters may be legitimate. (heheh...)

Stop paying taxes legally And learn how to pay them illegally. Want a NEW COMPUTER that Costs You NOTHING? "There are people who have their own computer paid off in as little as 1 HOUR !" Why do I doubt it? STOP HAIR LOSS NOW!! Talk about poorly targeted spam! My favorite line in this one is: "I discovered this herb by asking steroid using bodybuilders what they used to prevent hair loss. These guys have higher DHT levels than anyone!!" And maybe while you're at it you can find out how they keep their testicles from shrinking! El Nino !!! Even poor El Nino is being exploited by spammers. Pack Your Bags It's Time For A Vacation "PACK YOUR BAGS! You have been selected to ENTER for a World Class Florida/Caribbean Vacation Package offer!" Whoo-hoo! And I'll open my wallet REALLY WIDE because Ed McMahon said I may already be a winner! (This is a variation of the classic "we rob your house while you're off getting screwed scam.) MEN ACROSS AMERICA ... and around the World! Again, poorly targeted spam. I forwarded this to my girlfriend. FREE CATALOG!!!!!!!!!!!! Grammatical mistakes ("If your like me") and misspellings (privatley, exclusivley, idividual, discreetly) run rampant throughout this mailing. You'd think a good porn spam would at least do a spell check. Advertise yourself to MILLIONS for FREE !!! How could you not want to purchase from a company that starts off with convincing salesmanship like this: "Just as you're receiving this, I'm sure you have received advertisement that was sent using Bulk E-mail. Many of you responded and bought that produ ct." Yup, yup, yup. But that's not all! "Until now, Bulk E-mail was plagued by problems of blocking and filtering from Service providers such as AOL, CompuServe, etc." Poor bulk e-mail has long been the target of oppression. Break Through! It's a diet breakthrough! But it's not as good as my diet plan! ***Legal TV De-Sacrambler*** I was dying for a new "De-Sacrambler"!!! Dear Mom, Send help. -80777 This one actually came from an e-mail address "@staff.juno.com"! I tell you -- nothing like a good old fashioned illegal pyramid scheme! Not to mention the HTML in this letter was so screwed up -- they used amperstand-gt instead of a greater-than sign to open up a tag... so I had to do a search and replace to fix this idiot's HTML and make it readable. No thanks, SevenUp@staff.juno.com. This Offer Will End Very Soon!!!! More pro-spam rhetoric. JUST RELEASED! 10 Million!!! Get 10 million e-mail addresses in a text file on a CD. Thanks. Now we can spam just like you. Wealth And Spirituality -36972 Another from "staff.juno.com." Methinks Juno should look into some firing. :) This genius of a plan promises spiritual fulfillment while making loads of money. I always thought the two weren't supposed to be connected... Re: tina here "i hope this got to the right guy..if this not who i think it is i apologize." Clever. My question is -- why is the only capitalization here: "NUDE FEMALE BODYBUILDERS, MATURE OLDER WOMEN, REAL AMATEUR COLLEGE GIRLS, HUGE BREASTS, REAL HIDDEN CAMERA, PUBLIC FLASHERS, BIZARRE SEX, AND EVERY OTHER POSSIBLE FETISH..ALL 100% FREE!!!" but not throughout any of the regular sentences. I have seen the future... Me too, and it consists of the DELETE key. Download Free Money Making Software!! Chalk up another "staff.juno.com" address. It always concerns me when the word "free" is in quotes. Here's My Pic :-) This is by far my favorite spam -- at least someone's being moderately creative in getting people to their porn site. Funny, though, I didn't know my e-mail address was "newaccount@newdomain.com" -- this MUST be for me and me alone! PROFIT from the INTERNET A bit of a variation -- an "@staff.juno.com" address AND an HTML message (real smart knowing that Juno can't render HTML messages as anything other than text). "This is a free offer, not UCE or Spam. If however, this offer has disturbed you..." I'm seeking counseling as we speak. no subject Sensations CD will make women want to have sex with you! For those of us without personality OR roofies, we can count on subliminal messages to get us chicks. Cool, man. 17 free booklets Sent to every college student in the world, I believe. I knew you could send virtual flowers, but virtual feces...? Student Services Update Never trust a "subscription service" who spells the very first word of their message wrong. Computer-Erase Bad Credit! You can always trust someone whose user name is "Boyahboy" (which, incidentally, is spelled wrong). Courtesy of Brian Burton. PHILANTHROPIST NAMES AND ADDRESSES!! "Every year in North America there are hundreds of millions of dollars given away by wealthy individuals to those who simply know who, where and how to ask for it." Personally, a gun to the head always works for me. BEST XXX on the WEB! TEENS picsGIFSvideosJOINFREE3DAYS! As if being offered pictures of "fat chix" wasn't enough, it's hard to resist the urging "CLIKE HERE!" note. Better than Viagra-Ask Mark McGwire I'm not sure, but I don't think that McGwire's success was based on the "libido plus" drug. Window95,998,NT Security ALERT (44443) Courtesy of Brian Burton: "Urgent... Message regarding Security aLERT!!!!... Beware Ryan, this sure sounds scary... I'm just glad that it's cured by this software offer. Maybe they'll fix the IP problem in windows 999. (See subject field... It's just as I received it.)" I read your post Courtesy of Dave Hauss: "Here is a great SPAM I received today.. I didnt know my E-Mail address was 'sarah@hotmail.com'." PLEASE CALL ME...I NEED SOMEONE NOW!!! I wish I could have one of those personal 1-800 numbers. FOXReport:1st Aprodisiaac Drug Approval-c12 Not only did FOX Report (fox.net -- so legitmate sounding, it MUST be true!) about this "Aprodisiaac" (sic), so did the "Havard Report." WATCH ME WIGGLE! I saved this one just for the subject line. PERSONAL NOTE "You've been listed by an information bank as somebody who may be a good candidate for the Winners Organization." The fact the message is in all capitals adds to the credibility. Courtesy of Brian Burton. HOT XXXMass,5DAY FREE XXX MEMBERSHIP TRIALS!!!!!@!#! A set of classic URLs that any business would kill to have. Bullet Proof your tires!!! You know, I was thinking the other day that I'd really like to join up with a good tire-sealant manufacturer so I could make some money. Courtesy of WiteDolfin. Pay us a visit. #60E1 The ultimate URL: http://3448153922/ If you're going to send spam out, you may as well make it worth the trouble of getting kicked off of your ISP by putting up a legal URL. Mike? The pinnacle of moronic spam -- uses the now-tired "is this you" intro to sell web hosting space on a Web Presence Provider whose specifics aren't even given. (And isn't it odd that Jimmy isn't sure whether mike@public.com is his cousin's e-mail address?) This is an ORDER!!! Look at my AD!!! Amusing concept advertising a link that doesn't even work. Courtesy of Brian Burton. Stop Ignoring Me! Yet another variation of the "is this you?" spam with the added goofy URL bonus. Courtesy of Brian Burton. New Identity - My Site was down, new url. :)) "People are real butts" -- yeah, no crap. Courtesy of Brian Burton. ADV: Mexican Minning Opportunity I've already taken full advantage of the "minning" (sic) opportunity. Now I'm broke. ATTN: Account holder This spam was so damn stupid that it even caught Yahoo! Internet Life's Daily Buzz list. This is actually a spam mail trying to sell you a method for getting rid of spam mail. Right. chech out www.hamsterdance.com!!!!!! Absolutely stupid and pointless. This site actually points to a stupid site with about a million animated dancing hamsters and a handful of affiliate banners. For some reason I doubt this chick's going to get rich with this site. Only cool part about t his spam -- the sender's name. Tired of your life? Depressed? So get a new one! I am now known as Javier Quincy Thimblebutt. The Internet Spy and YOU!! (46586) Courtesy of visitor Paul Coogan: "By the same people as the de-sacrambler! How versatile. Maybe the two products work together somehow." INCREDIBLE, $100,000+ FIRST YEAR INCOME Courtesy of Michael Schatz: "I like the last line: 'your request for removal will be deleted!'" Publishing Company for Sale! Another gem from Michael Schatz. who's who All good businesses have e-mail addresses with Bigfoot and Hotbot -- it's pretty hard to get those prestigious addresses! These morons use two different accounts at two different domains for inclusion or removal on their list. My God. Is this you I thought this would be another "are you who I met in the chat room" porn ads, but it's not. Rather, it's an unbelievably stupid letter that has nothing to do with sex even though it deals with being "too short." Quick Money. Hello. This is the answer to: my foot up your ass. We Mail-4-U "Notice the company, Asylum Consultants... great, stable imagery conjured up by that choice or nouns." Courtesy of Brian Burton. Voted #1 Home-Based Business THREE YEARS IN A ROW! "If you don't have to talk with anyone, that's going to be one hell of an awkward phone call they want you to make... 'Hello........................................................................................................'" Courtesy of Brian Burton. You could be making money off the Y2K scare! "It speaks for itself..." Courtesy of Brian Burton. Free Membership Accounts! A sign of an obviously inane spammer: they readily admit to using a piece of crap tool like Extractor Pro. You Can Reverse The Effects Of Aging ! Sure! I'll gladly give my credit card number to someone who can't even spell the word "aging" correctly in the first sentence of their spam! Right Here, Right Now -dbsqaviq For those of you keeping track, this is another attempt to hide the real URL. Should you feel the urge to retaliate, I've saved you the trouble of translating it: http://216.33.20.4/yt/virtualcasinogamblin/ which is hosted by Angelfire. And you'll be happy to know that the page was gone within a couple of days of sending it out. UNLIMITED Long Distance Calling for only $20/month "Cheap long distance, and big bucks working part time all in one message!" Contributed by Michael Schatz. Easiest $54,600 Opportunity "I'm quitting my job... You quit yours. With this, who needs it...." My personal favorite line: "You could RETIRED next year," which Brian points out: " looks like the conditional, the past and the future all rolled up into one." Courtesy of Brian Burton. would you? "1 Million hits, instantly... with no real thought for content. That explains the f'ing search results that come up-- no relevance whatsoever." I received this one as well -- interesting how they urge you to "Click Here to check it out while you can..." as if they know their page will be down in minutes. Courtesy of Brian Burton. Discover Health and Wealth! "'Discover Health and Wealth', just not here." Contributed by Michael Schatz. AMERICANS: Get the IRS Off Your Back - LEGALLY! [vrerm] Most legitimate businesses add the "Should the above address Bounce back..." warning to their e-mail. Really, they do. MEMORY PROBLEMS !!!! A 730 byte e-mail manages to reference 5 domains: bla-bla.com, shdjjkjk.net (which I'm SURE is legitimate), go.com, yahoo.com, and simmtester.com. VIAGRA OnLine - INSTANT Service - OVERNIGHT Delivery If I ever buy anything that directly affects my willie, I doubt very much I'll buy it from a spammer. Please Reply ASAP!! [cigep] We randomly Capitalize words in the Middle of sentences. AMERICANS: Fed UP with Big Brother WATCHING like a Hawk? [afajh] "BUT, there is a way to simply, ellegantly, make all of your worldly assets "disappear" from the government's (or anyone else's) radar screen!" Yeah, and it's the same way to plant yourself firmly on a spammers "for sale" list. e-gift certificate #212-6587900-8293655 From "The Passion Shoppe" aka "The Doodoo-Allergist." No kidding. INTERNATIONAL DRIVERS LICENCE! Has anyone ever NOT gotten this one? I'm pretty sure most e-mail accounts come with this mail waiting in your box for you when you first log in. ATTN MERCHANTS: 5,000 GUARANTEED Hits On Your Site!!! |<>| I imagine that eDirect, "America's Internet Marketers," are long gone by now. You have been selected to receive a free video! Um, OK, I'll take one 053. Thanks. Start Making What Your Worth! 2146 What cracks me up about this one is that what is supposed to be the first line is actually all the way at the bottom. Reading what actually appears as the first sentence is exactly the opposite of whatever it is they're trying to sell. This one's classic. Do you have over 5,000 in credit cards debt "I am definitely going to trust my finances to someone who's address is: 'barrelofmonkeys'! P.S. Isn't that lifted from the Simpson's episode where Bart opens a checking account?"... submitted by Michael Schatz We Want All Your Bounced Checks # E1F "Quick, write me a check for a million dollars, so I can take advantage of this service!"... submitted by Michael Schatz Fastest Growing independent band in history! "Our desire is to have the fastest growing, biggest selling recording from an independent band in the history of music. Wow! Such altruistic tendencies! This definitely excuses the spam. :)"... submitted by Michael Schatz Here's the information you were looking for From a Usenet newsgroup. "This is long, but it is so absurd I had to send it. I am just sure there was a 'Mary' on the comp.programming.contests newsgroup looking for the following information. This diet plan might beat the Laze diet plan. On "Plan A" you eat only 300 calories a day. This definitely would result in weight loss! :)"... submitted by Michael Schatz Re: Your Algae I think the subject line says it all. ~ The Original Pornmaster's Newsletter ~ October 24, 2000 --uyuy Boy, am I glad I got the Original Pornmaster's Newsletter. Accept no substitutes. Spam is Going Away! Apparently not. I SENT $5.00 TO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT The first line of this letter is classic example of a jackass spammer with poor grammar: "I receive this message several times a day, you can too!"

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