twist of fait accomplis

I hate door-to-door solicitations. I don't care if someone is collecting money for charity, selling me Jesus/a political candidate/poo-on-a-stick, or trying to scam me: if you come to my door, I'm either going to turn down my TV and attempt to hide or, if you happen to snag me, you're going to waste your breath.

But yesterday I was accosted by a salesperson that was not only selling something I wanted, but one that had the most... ribald?... senses of humor I've ever heard on a door-to-door salesman.

A little background: a year ago, a salesperson tried to sell Huyen one of those "it cleans everything" formulas. She turned the person away (she's ever better at it than me), but truth is: the stuff was really good. Huyen didn't note the name of the stuff, so we decided we'd get some the next time they came around.

So when Levon started cleaning two-year-old grass stains off of my "lawn-mowing sneakers" to show me how well Advanage (an environmentally-safe, PeTA-approved product) worked, I knew this was the stuff, and I bought some.

During the course of his sales pitch, he showed me the check of someone else who had bought some from down the street. "This lady," he said, holding up the check, "her name is Steven... isn't that weird? Well, when she invited me in so she could write the check, she said 'Let me introduce you to my husband.' He was this huge dude and she said to me, 'I like big things.' I didn't know what this lady meant!" He was getting more animated as he continued, "Then I realized she was talking about..." He paused. "Those people are swingers! Man, I tell you... I ain't selling that! Get arrested for that shit. Damn..."

A few minutes later, after I had passed him my check, he yelled to a truck driving by. "Hey! Hey man!" He waved frantically. The guy stuck his head out of the truck and looked back. "Hey, I left the cleaning stuff on your porch!" Apparently, the guy in the truck was a contractor who had built a lot of houses in the area and wanted to buy some Advanage. After the truck rolled off, Levon said to me, "That dude has jungle fever!" Not knowing exactly how to respond, I said, "Nothing wrong with that, right?" Levon replied, "Nope not at all... but his wife... damn! She was mighty fine." He paused a moment, shaking his head.

"Man, I'd drink her bathwater! Shoooot..."

What a guy.

01:55 PM

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